What the fuck is wrong with you Sephi? (Part II)

...Still a Question, many People ask me.
But still there is not much, I could reply...

I just am what I am.
And there simply are no Words, that come even close to what I feel.

Which sane Person could imagine how it is to suffer form a mental Disease and to suffocate slowly by a Cerecloth of Fear and Depression? How should I explain how forsaken I felt during my Time as Patient in a Psychiatry?

There are no rational Reasons for Selfinjury. Irrelevant if by cutting deep into one's Flesh, or by one of the million other Ways, the Act of intentionally hurting oneself, has to be declared as absolutely irrational itself.

...Most People don't even understand that.
On top of that, they often mistake you for a fuckin Emo.

"But Emos are mostly harmless!" You say?

Right! But...
Only very few understand why People like me hate most Emos so fanatically.

Well, I'll try to explain why an open-minded and insightfully Person like me became so uncharacteristically intolerant :

As I said before I am mentally disturbed. And for a Time it was good ^^'
At first I simply ignored my emotional Instability and the abnormal Thoughts, that I sometimes had. But of course closing Eyes could just delay the Inevitable...
Since I'm nearly unable to ask anyone for Help and because I feared the Consequences, I didn't ask for Help until it was almost to late and my whole Life was nothing more than a Field of Ruins.
So I creeped out of my 12m² Dwelling and finally faced this "Reality" I once heard of...

I think I enunciated clearly enough how wrecked I was back then, so I spare you with any further Explanations ^^'

Anyway, somehow I managed to get an Appointement at a local Psychiatrist...
And that was the Moment a really embarassing and extremely degrading Gauntletrun began...

To cut a long Story short, The Psychiatrist ensured me selfinjuring Behaviour, Depressions and even concrete suicidal Thoughts, would be absoutely normal and I shouldn't worry about that. Then he boasted with his sociological Knowledge of Trends and Groups among "Kids" like ME. (btw the "Kid" had a fullbeard & was almost 24 back then) He seemed very contented with himself as he told me, that he knew that I was an Emo...

This was the first (but unfortunately not the last) Time I heard of these Emos. The following five(!) Years were full of Conversations like that.
I asked... and later even begged for help.
But EVERY Psychiatrist and Psychologist, Socialworker and Priest, just fuckin smiled at me "insightfully" and ensured me, that this "Phase" would sooner or later end.

The only Reason that I am still alife, is that I had a few Friends and a Family! A handfull Humans that didn't turned away from me as everyone else did. They took me to the Hospital after I tried to commit Suicide.
They encouraged me to endure as I suddenly decided to make a cold Withdraw and they gave me Stability as I feared to lose myself in the Madhouse...

...I owe them more than I can ever give back...


But the Humiliations I endured changed me. Some People say that I've grown (c)older and lost my Compassion and Gentleness.
Some suppose that all the Drugs or my occasionally (assumedly) illegally Businesses made me who I am now.
Others have even more conspiring Explanations, including wild Rumors about my supposed converting to some dangerous religious Sect. XD

As already mentioned, at leased the Fact that I changed a lot is undeniable. And of course not only the hard Years behind me left their Traces
Paradoxically I think that especially the last four Month were extreme incisive for me. And after all this unpleasant Changes I've made, the Ones I recently made were very good ones ^^


I didn't even understand it myself completely yet. But after this Years "February-Catastrophy" everything changed...
I expected the worst, prepared for the the well known emotional Totalbreakdown and already wrote and posted an adequate blog entry named "es ist wieder februar..."

But the Impact that should have smashed me to the Ground, never came...
First I was extreme mistrustful, 'cause Things like that have definitive always been my very weakest Point. Even my closest Friends were genuinely worried and expected me to Fall.

But still... nothing !
No wait, that is not absolutely True... It's more than just nothing. Not only that I couldn't care less about the Occurrence that actually should have caused my World to collapse once again, absurdly I was absolutely happy. More than that, I felt some Sort of inner Strenght, that I didn't felt for more than ten Years...

I've finally Strenght for so many Things and unfinished Tasks. I finally have searched and found an Agency that is specially for helping People with mental Diseases finding a Habitation, Job and if needed a Therapist.
In the last few Weeks I've finished more Songs than in the last half Year and it seems that my project nova.sephiroth is starting to become known after all.
Last Week for Example, I got a e-mail from a young Guy who told me, that he wants to start making Music. He asked me for Advice, we chatted and he told me that his musical Idols are bands like Noiseuf-X, FabrikC, nova.sephiroth and Grendel...
*g* Absolute incredible Feeling, been mentioned in one Breath with Bands that are my Idols ^^'


Just everything seems to go well at the Moment.
I even have Contact with Cara again and as far as I can tell we are about to become Friends again.

<edit>...Well, I was a little too optimistic about Cara and me...
It seems that I'm just some Kind of Lover or Buddy in her Eyes, but not a Friend...</edit>